i should've expected this. 

that it'd all go back to the beginning.

what would have been.

my  life still seems to be in tune with yours even though there's no need to anymore.

still waiting to watch the ending with you.

though i'm not sure if that's possible anymore.

havent blogged in eons but i always write when i have this rush of emotion

so pardon me while i spew nonsense that no one is gonna understand but me.

the choice was mine and yet i made a choice that would hurt the both of us.

i find myself questioning if i made the right choice

i didnt want us to be just left with memories of arguments, hate and pain

i didnt want it to reach that stage where there would only be pain left and no more love

do you understand?

it hurts so much to know that you're gonna move on without me

but you're probably feeling the same way.

i want you to be okay, but at the same time to not be okay because i dont want to suffer alone even though i brought this on the both of us.

funny how i made the choice that seems to be right but the both of us are in pain now.

as i sit here sobbing my broken heart out, i think i now understand why i was so afraid to lose you

please dont think i made the choice because i didnt love you anymore

i love you, more than anything else in the world, more than i even realised i did and that's why i have to let you go now.

be free, explore the world, and one day, if your heart still loves me, come back.

i'll be waiting.

because now, even if i cry, you wouldn't know.

yo people. i'm back after a long longgg time

guess what prompted me to finally blog was something that happened today.

fyi i'm in bangkok now and i'm leaving singapore for canada in a few days so yeah..

anyway i was in bangkok for some sightseeing and well, mostly shopping

it was raining and i thought it was ironic because i hadn't been in the best spirits the past few days

little things here and there keep getting amplified and then i get affected. 

it was evening already and so me, my mom and my dad were walking back from a day of shopping at a nearby shopping center

we rounded the last bend and the hotel was in plain view

hobbling slowly in front of us was a man who was handicapped

i guess he was in about his 60s

he was holding a tin cup and a notice but did not seem to be begging for money

i did what i would normally do

continue walking without thinking.

just as i bypassed him, there was a sudden loud clatter

stunned, i turned around, and i realized the man had fallen.

my dad passed his umbrella over to my mom and then proceeded to try to help the man up

he seemed unable to get up on his own

two more passersby stopped to help and after a while of struggling, the three of them managed to help him up back onto his feet

when i finally caught a glimpse of his face

i was shocked to see that he was crying

not out of gratefulness

but it was a look that rang of misery and sorrow

although he wasn't saying anything, he seemed to be questioning the heavens, why me?

it was as though he was on the verge of giving up 

my dad picked up his tin cup and notice and wanted to pass it back to him

but the man was distraught and didn't seem to see it

one of the passersby left after helping the man to a nearby seat

my dad placed the cup and the notice next to him

and my mom called to him to give the man some money before we too, left.

as i was walking off, i turned back to see the last passerby still trying to talk to the man.

turning back to face the front, i suddenly felt so immensely insignificant and helpless.

along with those two overwhelming emotions was also gratefulness and a sudden realization of how really fortunate i am

i felt so fortunate because i have never known what it's like to be handicapped in any way

i have never known what it's like to fall, and have to be helped up

i have never known how much it hurts to not be able to pick yourself up

i have not known in any big way, the cruelty of life.

my parents have given me everything i needed to be comfortable

i may not be able to buy everything i want, but i have everything i need

shelter, love, support, food, money amongst others.

i am so grateful to my parents for always putting me before themselves.

i have more than a lot of people i know

but because they're all living well i never thought to think so much

living in such a sheltered world i have never bothered to think about who else could be worse off than me.

instead, i complain about every single one of my little problems and think that they're the worst things that can happen to a human. 

being selfish.

not bothering and that's what made the difference.

being insignificant i realized is about how ignorant you feel when you see things that you don't normally see and wonder why you never ever thought that things like this could happen before.

helplessness is when you want to help, but there is no possible way that you can.

being a teenager about to enter university, i am completely devoid of political power, economic power

i cannot give that man any money that i call my own

as a pint sized girl i lack the physical strength to pull a grown man to his feet

as a tourist i lack knowledge of the language and hence could not even comfort him with words 

thinking back, there was absolutely nothing i could have done for the man.

that is called being helpless.

that feeling of absolute helplessness is one that i have never experienced before 

and the realization shocked me so much that i was silenced.

i had nothing to say but thoughts were dancing across my mind 

sloshing through the puddles on the last stretch back, all 3 of us were completely silent when before we had been chatting happily

 i guess we had all been reflecting on the same situation.

there are millions out there in the world, trapped 

so many programs to help these people

but it's always not enough

as someone who cannot do anything as for now

the only thing i can do is to appreciate my life to it's fullest.

at least this way, in a sense, i am showing that man respect by not taking things in my life for granted.

what i have, i will now treasure even more than before

because i know that there are people out there who don't have what i do.

people who don't even have what they need to survive.

people who want to give up on life

for this, i will ensure that i persevere.

through whatever problems i have, i will endure

because i know that people who live worse lives than me can continue living

and just by that thought i will strive on to do my best.

Thank you God for giving me what i have.
and thank you even more, for showing me how to treasure the things that you gave me.

it's only been such a short while.

and yet i find myself starting to doubt whether i'd be able to take it.

as time passes i find myself questioning my ability to endure

to hold on

and to trust.

my insecurities grow with each passing minute

and yet i'm afraid to tell you how i really feel.

furthermore

time has put a limiter on the words i can say to you.

what can i do now but worry?

i should've expected this. 

that it'd all go back to the beginning.

what would have been.

my  life still seems to be in tune with yours even though there's no need to anymore.

still waiting to watch the ending with you.

though i'm not sure if that's possible anymore.

havent blogged in eons but i always write when i have this rush of emotion

so pardon me while i spew nonsense that no one is gonna understand but me.

the choice was mine and yet i made a choice that would hurt the both of us.

i find myself questioning if i made the right choice

i didnt want us to be just left with memories of arguments, hate and pain

i didnt want it to reach that stage where there would only be pain left and no more love

do you understand?

it hurts so much to know that you're gonna move on without me

but you're probably feeling the same way.

i want you to be okay, but at the same time to not be okay because i dont want to suffer alone even though i brought this on the both of us.

funny how i made the choice that seems to be right but the both of us are in pain now.

as i sit here sobbing my broken heart out, i think i now understand why i was so afraid to lose you

please dont think i made the choice because i didnt love you anymore

i love you, more than anything else in the world, more than i even realised i did and that's why i have to let you go now.

be free, explore the world, and one day, if your heart still loves me, come back.

i'll be waiting.

because now, even if i cry, you wouldn't know.

yo people. i'm back after a long longgg time

guess what prompted me to finally blog was something that happened today.

fyi i'm in bangkok now and i'm leaving singapore for canada in a few days so yeah..

anyway i was in bangkok for some sightseeing and well, mostly shopping

it was raining and i thought it was ironic because i hadn't been in the best spirits the past few days

little things here and there keep getting amplified and then i get affected. 

it was evening already and so me, my mom and my dad were walking back from a day of shopping at a nearby shopping center

we rounded the last bend and the hotel was in plain view

hobbling slowly in front of us was a man who was handicapped

i guess he was in about his 60s

he was holding a tin cup and a notice but did not seem to be begging for money

i did what i would normally do

continue walking without thinking.

just as i bypassed him, there was a sudden loud clatter

stunned, i turned around, and i realized the man had fallen.

my dad passed his umbrella over to my mom and then proceeded to try to help the man up

he seemed unable to get up on his own

two more passersby stopped to help and after a while of struggling, the three of them managed to help him up back onto his feet

when i finally caught a glimpse of his face

i was shocked to see that he was crying

not out of gratefulness

but it was a look that rang of misery and sorrow

although he wasn't saying anything, he seemed to be questioning the heavens, why me?

it was as though he was on the verge of giving up 

my dad picked up his tin cup and notice and wanted to pass it back to him

but the man was distraught and didn't seem to see it

one of the passersby left after helping the man to a nearby seat

my dad placed the cup and the notice next to him

and my mom called to him to give the man some money before we too, left.

as i was walking off, i turned back to see the last passerby still trying to talk to the man.

turning back to face the front, i suddenly felt so immensely insignificant and helpless.

along with those two overwhelming emotions was also gratefulness and a sudden realization of how really fortunate i am

i felt so fortunate because i have never known what it's like to be handicapped in any way

i have never known what it's like to fall, and have to be helped up

i have never known how much it hurts to not be able to pick yourself up

i have not known in any big way, the cruelty of life.

my parents have given me everything i needed to be comfortable

i may not be able to buy everything i want, but i have everything i need

shelter, love, support, food, money amongst others.

i am so grateful to my parents for always putting me before themselves.

i have more than a lot of people i know

but because they're all living well i never thought to think so much

living in such a sheltered world i have never bothered to think about who else could be worse off than me.

instead, i complain about every single one of my little problems and think that they're the worst things that can happen to a human. 

being selfish.

not bothering and that's what made the difference.

being insignificant i realized is about how ignorant you feel when you see things that you don't normally see and wonder why you never ever thought that things like this could happen before.

helplessness is when you want to help, but there is no possible way that you can.

being a teenager about to enter university, i am completely devoid of political power, economic power

i cannot give that man any money that i call my own

as a pint sized girl i lack the physical strength to pull a grown man to his feet

as a tourist i lack knowledge of the language and hence could not even comfort him with words 

thinking back, there was absolutely nothing i could have done for the man.

that is called being helpless.

that feeling of absolute helplessness is one that i have never experienced before 

and the realization shocked me so much that i was silenced.

i had nothing to say but thoughts were dancing across my mind 

sloshing through the puddles on the last stretch back, all 3 of us were completely silent when before we had been chatting happily

 i guess we had all been reflecting on the same situation.

there are millions out there in the world, trapped 

so many programs to help these people

but it's always not enough

as someone who cannot do anything as for now

the only thing i can do is to appreciate my life to it's fullest.

at least this way, in a sense, i am showing that man respect by not taking things in my life for granted.

what i have, i will now treasure even more than before

because i know that there are people out there who don't have what i do.

people who don't even have what they need to survive.

people who want to give up on life

for this, i will ensure that i persevere.

through whatever problems i have, i will endure

because i know that people who live worse lives than me can continue living

and just by that thought i will strive on to do my best.

Thank you God for giving me what i have.
and thank you even more, for showing me how to treasure the things that you gave me.

it's only been such a short while.

and yet i find myself starting to doubt whether i'd be able to take it.

as time passes i find myself questioning my ability to endure

to hold on

and to trust.

my insecurities grow with each passing minute

and yet i'm afraid to tell you how i really feel.

furthermore

time has put a limiter on the words i can say to you.

what can i do now but worry?